Happy Mother's Day

Somebody shared this on a loss board that I frequent, and I wanted to share.

Happy Mother's Day to those who have children in their arms, to those who have lost children, to those that long to be a mother, to expectant mothers to and all the mothers in heaven!!! ♥

Today my husband picked me some forget-me-nots that escaped onto our lawn from the neighbor's garden before he mowed them over. I know it was a simple gesture for him, but it meant a lot to me today. I thought the love vases were perfect for them. On the back they say "A heart that loves is always in bloom". I also picked one of the Daffodils I had planted as they are the March birth flower. I only wish the Irises I have were in bloom. The second picture is dark, but I'm including it because it shows the piano my brother delivered for my birthday. I can't wait until I finish decorating that room, I think it will be one of my favorites.

End of cycle two

I realized I have been missing in action over here, but I have been meaning to write so I would remember how I was feeling at this point. Cycle number two almost didn't happen yet due to a recurrence of arm pain that I had been do the Dr. for a few months ago. I realized at that point how far I had actually come. There wasn't an extreme sadness or an anxiousness to be pregnant anymore. That is not to say I don't want to be pregnant and have a healthy little one, but I am more accepting of the fact it may take awhile. In other words more how I felt before the first m/c and having to avoid so long when I was so anxious to be trying.

In the end the arm pain let up right before my fertile window so it was full speed ahead. Unfortunately today I found out that it wasn't the lucky one. I'm slightly bummed about this but really doing fine. I also think I am finally not feeling all "stabby" when looking at pictures of the baby that was due right in between my two EDD.

Oh Happy Day...

So in a complete turn around from yesterday my brother just made my day! He wanted to know what I am doing during his spring break in a couple weeks, which is right before my birthday. The answer is hanging out with him and getting some burly guys to help move my piano into my house! It belonged to my grandmother and her mother before that. My parents have had the piano at there house for I can't even remember how long but have had trouble getting it out here. My brother recently got a new truck, which means he can now transport it. It also means I get to spend some time with him and he finally gets to see my space. I am super excited just in case you can't tell from the exclamation marks!

Sad day

I'm glad I had today off from work as I have been a bum all day and feeling really emotional after getting my period today. I never really realized how hard it would be to get my first one since we have been TTC again after both losses. I just feel I should have a little one in my arms and not an empty heart. I also have to find out some more information about a familial health concern that might cause me to TTA again. This is so not where I want to be right now...

Sunday Silliness

Happy Easter! Hope this doesn't offend anybody. Check the egg on the right. It is the Gangsta egg circa 2006.

Trying to conceive after a loss (TTCAL)

I'm not sure if this is related to trying again after two losses or due to the loss being later the second time around and having additional health conditions surrounding it, but I am finding TTCAL a lot different this time around. I feel more pressure, which I guess could also be not TTCAL related but more related to the fact it has been over a year since we started trying.

Right now I am affectionately in the period known as the two week wait before you can test to see if it is positive or not. I find myself overanalyzing ever symptom and of course early pregnancy symptoms are the same as bad PMS in most cases. I feel like this cycle I've analyzed more than the previous four, but it could just be that I don't remember since it was July last time we were actively trying.

I am trying my hardest not to get my hopes up and genuinely believe my period is going to come full force next week. Despite this I think it is going to be a very emotional time when it happens because this is my last chance to be a mom before 2012 is over. Somebody made a passing comment recently that maybe if it doesn't happen this cycle that our first living children will have their own year, which is a very good point. I guess I'll find out in the next few days, but for now I just wanted to jot down how I am feeling.

Second Due Date

The clovers that brought me peace on my last EDD since I feel it is appropriate for this time of year. I love the heart shaped petals on the left one.

So today when people are thinking about the luck of the Irish, I will be thinking about my unluckiness last year. Today was the EDD for my molar pregnancy. It has been a long nine months (really 10 months if you include the prior month's pregnancy), but I think things are finally on an upswing. Now that we are finally able to start trying to conceive helps, but the week leading up to today was still a little testing on the emotions.

A woman I know just gave birth to her daughter three days ago. I wonder how long it will take me to stop comparing where I would have been at to where she is at. I hope that it won't last long because although I don't see her often, I am sure I will have to see her.

Today though I will keep a positive attitude. This is officially the last weekend of winter, so I know the days will get better. Just as the weather changes, attitude changes as well. Today I will enjoy my loving husband and cuddly dogs. My husband used to tell this story to me about how when we used to talk of the phone prior to dating. Both of us would talk about other relationships/people we were interested in. At the time we both liked each other, but neither one of us wanted a long distance relationships. Well he says sometimes when I would talk about other guys he would think "someday she'll be mine" or "someday this will be about me". In honor of this, today I choose to think "someday it will be our turn", and this brings me hope.

Ready or not?

I am so ready to jump back onto the trying to conceive train. Although prior to the past few weeks I have been anxious about trying again, I am feeling good now that we are at the point where we can start again. Honestly, I am surprised but happy by this knowledge.

I spent an extra month TTA due to insurance issues, but had really no issue with this. I figured that meant maybe I wasn't ready. However, shortly after the insurance got straightened out I started having bad neck pain and numbness. I figured I overdid it, but as it became clear that I may have to go to the doctor I began dreading it fearing they would tell me I need an MRI. Although I usually wait until something is bad to go to the doctor, I do still jump to conclusions quickly. Anyway the point is I knew I was ready again because I was dreading being told I had to avoid for yet another reason.

I did end up going to the doctor and found out some of it must have been anxiety as it did improve shortly after seeing him. Thankfully, the pain went mostly away though I can feel it tweak a little if I do something funny. I still don't know what exactly I did to it, but I think it was some sort of exercise. I was telling my boss about it and she said, "I always say exercise is bad". Now that I am feeling better and we are on a new cycle from the one we got approved for STD on we are fully ready to jump in with two feet.

Good Weekend

It is amazing to me how being around friends can make you feel like you are back to the living. I feel like since this summer I have been more of a hermit than my usual self is. Part of that is inevitable with living far away from family and many friends but another part is just who I am.

This weekend however was spent with two other child-free couples and it was glorious. It was nice to just hang out with no kid or pregnancy talk. It was just talk about jobs, houses, real life, in-laws and even relationships. As we begin to embark back on our journey towards TTCAL it was refreshing and very much needed.

Sunday Silliness

I love this dog...he has a double dose for you today.

This is him as my workout buddy:

 I'll just find a sunny spot and lay down to watch you.

 Watching you is a lot of work; my eyes are getting heavy

 Now that I've had my nap let's do some gymnastics

 And a cool down stretch

This is how I found him after a shower. Life is good in the hood after all (he is in the hood of my jacket in case it is hard to tell.

Slight lament about medical knowledge

At times I get so sick of the "medical" community not understanding molar pregnancy leading to me having to educate. The biggest example of this is for my "battle" with the group insurance company my company uses for short-term disability. I use battle loosely as it was really more of an inconvenience and time waste if anything. They didn't give me a hassle when I told them they had inaccurate information. It was handled in two weeks with two letters written and faxed, but it is the principle of the matter.

As is standard when you sign up for a new policy the ask questions, one of which asks about surgeries. I had to put the D&C there as it is considered one. Now, I know that this is not medical professionals necessarily reviewing this, but I would expect them to have an idea that a D&C prevents a pregnancy from continuing. Imagine my dismay when I found out that the insurance company denied by plan as I was "currently pregnant".

The only reason I can think of is that there is the word pregnancy in "molar pregnancy". Now MP was only written as a diagnosis under the results of the D&C surgery column, which as I state before precludes continued pregnancy. It just seems like common sense to me.

I also had a random experience when I had to get x-rays due to the diagnosis. The technician did a quick Google search. Seriously, he told me this and then proceeded to ask me if I could explain better as well as whether I was pregnant. Mind you this was probably less than an hour after finding out it was molar and two weeks out from D&C so I was still slightly emotional (though mostly numb) about the whole thing.

I don't mind most other questions from everybody else though it is hard to explain sometimes. It is also hard when people ask if that means there really wasn't a baby. I don't know why they ask, but I have trouble as it really is philosophical question. There never was or would have been a fetus with my MP, but I still had all the hopes and feelings (physically and emotionally) of early pregnancy. I guess the moral of the story is think before you speak.

Oh and another good thing about the weekend

Our second bathroom is up and running again. We had the bathroom put in at the end of July. In fact we bought low-VOC paint the day before we found out about the second m/c. Due to some shower design flaws we had a leak issue and had been unable to use if for several months. J is especially happy to have it back. Without further ado, I present the "new" bathroom.

Before: It was an "attic" storage space on the same level as the upstairs (our house is a Cape). In case you can't tell that is a classy cardboard wall.

After:

We lost some space due to building regulations as it was considered new construction rather than renovating an existing space. Basically the ceiling had to be at least a certain height at all points so there is practically nothing behind this well, but we did get a nice built-in storage space.

 This one is the best I could get of the light, which is also a ceiling fan.

Life is good...

So although I didn't get a long weekend unlike some people, it was still a nice and relaxing weekend. There were a lot of things to make me happy. A couple of these aren't good picture quality, but I never professed to be a good photographer and they give you an idea. Not all of them are from this weekend.

Sunshine on my shoulders...while running:

The love of my life (cheesy I know):

Now

And Then (a little over 2 years before we started dating...the first pic of us together)

The excitement of the little one (here he is wanting to play):

 

The persistance of the old one...who gets up to greet me even if it means the little one will steal his bed:

 

But most of all cuddles:

Sunday Silliness

I don't know what is up with the pup lately, but the past couple days instead of rushing down into the yard he keeps doing this as well as running around the porch sniffing especially in this one corner. I really don't know what he is looking at unless he is saying hi to the spiders.

Happy Birthday

Today was my estimated delivery date for my first pregnancy. I took the day off from work since the other week I had a random regression of grumpiness that I thought was related to the loss. I was pleasantly surprised that today was refreshingly not bad. While, not bad other than the fact I got a nasty hormonal headache yesterday and got to deal with the remnants of a headache and stomach upset. Due to some irritating insurance issues that are a whole other post, I ended up visiting my husband at work for lunch, which was nice.

I choose to believe in signs, and I got one yesterday. So, back in the beginning of Oct. I was on hold with the Dr. office trying to schedule appointments. I usually go outside to do this as I don't get cell phone reception in the building and I don't like calling with the nosy people in the pod. While I was outside and on hold forever I came upon some clovers and found two separate 4-leaf clovers.

I stuck them in my desk in a book where they have been for 4 months. From time to time I've remembered them (when I was at home), but kept forgetting to bring them home and I haven't needed the book for anything. Yesterday, one fell out onto my desk. Also, my second EDD was St. Patrick's day. Weird little signs if you ask me.

I really just took time to slow down and be present today, which was really a nice gift to me. I am fairly certain that my husband has no clue what today is and that is okay with me. I know he wasn’t sure why I took off work other than that I have a ton of days off. After today being so nice though, I may have to make it a yearly tradition for awhile.

Today is also DH’s grandmother’s birthday. From everything I’ve heard she was an amazing woman. I did get to see a little bit of her spunky side, but this was only when I was first dating J. Even then it was nothing compared to her former self as she had Alzheimer’s for several years before I met her. This is her second birthday not on earth. Happy Birthday Marie, I hope you are doing well up above with your lost loved one. I would like to imagine our lost little one up there celebrating with his/her great grandmother.

Also, thinking of another friend today. Happy birthday to Steph! I can’t leave her out of the birthday goodness.

 

Sunday Silliness

While looking across old pictures I found this, and figured maybe I'd put up something other than the pup for once.

Uncle Dick (1932-2012)

So I haven't posted anything recently because I really haven't had much to say and because I was out of town for a funeral. I don't know what to say about my uncle, but I felt it was right to say something. Uncle Dick was a loving man with a strong sense of faith that helped him get through many health issues. He passed away last Thursday with his wife of 55 years by his side. Just another reminder that life is short and to enjoy the here and now.

A little something that made me stop and think.

So the past couple of days I've been reading about another woman who had a molar pregnancy, but needed signficant treatment and is currently still battling cancer as a result. The author has a really upbeat outlook and is working on choosing the joy in her life. This really made me stop and think about what is important in life. In general I am a very optimistic and easy going person, but the last 6 months have taken a lot out of me. After reading this story it has made me realize I need to make a conscious effort to be more positive again. I am the only one capable of giving myself true hapiness. I need to choose to be happy, I need to "choose joy". You can read more about this on her blog if you want. Just click below.

Choose Joy

My MP story...from finding out it was a MP to now

8/25/11-On this day I got a phone call from my Dr that they wanted to move my follow-up appointment for my D&C up since they got the pathology reports back. I was terrified because obviously something must have been wrong in order for them to want to move my appointment.

8/26/11-The official news that the pathology revealed molar cells. I was surprisingly at ease with this knowledge even though this was my worst fear prior to the appointment. I guess fear of the unknown really is the worst thing for me.

8/29/11-Found out my HCG dropped from over 120,000 prior to D&C to 587 on 8/26. Happy for the drop but still anxious for future numbers.

9/12/11-This was a larger gap than I meant to have due to being super sick with a sinus infection and fever. When I got the antibiotic from the Dr. at urgent care I'm sure they thought it was the weirdest thing that I was asking if it would affect HCG level. Also, it was difficult to get enough blood due to the antibiotic. Anyway, HCG was down to 28. I was ecstatic considering I was hoping for under 100.

9/25/11-My first cycle came and I have to say the first time I was ever excited for that. Yes nothing is sacred on here.
9/29/11-Follow-up ultrasound reveals that there is no evidence of retained tissue and all the ovarian cysts are gone. The ultrasound technician wrote the Dr. a "little love note" that everything was back to normal. Did I mention I really like the staff at my OB/GYN office.

10/3/11-Nurse left a message that my HCG was considered negative :)

10/14/11-Played phone tag with a nurse that wouldn't leave my numbers on my answering machine even though I signed a release for that. She had me freaked out that I had gone back up, but thankfully it hadn't. She informed me this was the last of my "weeklies". I asked what the number was and she said 2, she also said the last draw was 5.

1/12/12-Five months to the day of my D&C I have my last follow-up at the Dr. provided my HCG is negative.

1/19/12-I finally got around to calling the Dr. I'm still negative WOOHOO!! So now I just have to wait for my short-term disability insurance to kick in and we are back on the TTC wagon.

Sunday Silliness

Yoda sticking his tongue out for the camera.

Happy Birthday to my Wonderful Husband

Our little snowman family from last year's birthday present

There have been a lot of ups and downs over the course of the last year, but through it all my husband has been nothing but supportive and awesome. For this I am so thankful. There have been times when I was a sobbing hormonal mess and times when I have been mad at the world and easily irritated. He even did dishes for like a month straight when we found out about my latest loss, as I waited to m/c and after my D&C. Although I am not proud to admit how I have been, I am proud that Jay made a difficult time easier. All these characteristics that he has will make him a good father someday. As I bought a card from him this weekend from the dogs (yes I am that person), I struggled with what to write on it. Do I include anything about the babies we lost or not. I got to thinking I would be full term tomorrow, so this became a bittersweet day for me. For now though, I have chosen to have today be full of the positives. I am thinking of the happy times and the laughing times.

And I leave you with a cake story (I'd include a picture, but my writing skills on the cake weren't too good this year). Every year Jay asks for a Funfetti cake without fail. Of course I make one for him although it is quite boring in my opinion. Anyway, did you know that Betty Crocker actually calls the cake "rainbow party chip". We had quite the laugh last night about the fact we were having a "rainbow party chip" cake, which included some off-collar humor otherwise I would post it here. I almost died laughing, and I love that even when I'm grumpy the hubby can make me laugh.

Sunday Silliness

In honor of the recent snow I give you one of Yoda's first experiences in it. He likes to run in it, stick his whole head into it including his eyes and eat it.



Here is a still picture with his game face on. If you look all the snow that is packed down in the photo is from him running around in circles.

Molar Pregnancy

This post is to attempt to explain what a molar pregnancy is to those people who don't know. If you already know this or don't care to know feel free to skip this post.

What is a Molar Pregnancy?
First of all, there are two different types of molar pregnancy (MP), complete and partial. I will refer to complete as CMP and partial as PMP. I had a CMP. Both are rare ~1/1,000 odds due to a genetic error during fertilizations. The odds of a second MP are somewhere around 1/100, but this varies and I believe the odds are less if you had a PMP. This is caused when there is no genetic information in the egg, but a sperm still fertilizes what is there. A CMP can not develop into a fetus, but still produces HCG and your body thinks it is pregnant. A PMP is when two sperm somehow fertilize the same egg or it could be a two-headed sperm. This results in a triploidy fetus such as XXX, XXY or XYY. Although this does produce a fetus it cannot live normally even if the baby makes it to term. To be clear not all babies that have triploidy are molar. Molar pregnancy has an added component of these cells that replicate and form fluid filled sacs in the placenta.

What is the procedure for treating a non-complicated MP?
Although a MP is not viable your body thinks it is pregnant and continues to produce HCG, which spreads the growth of the cystic areas. Due to this a D&C procedure is pretty much always needed to remove the tissue (I have heard of some instances where this was not the case, but it is required 99.99% of the time from what I have seen). The D&C will hopefully make your body think you have miscarried and your HCG will start going down. It is generally recommended that you get weekly HCG tests until you get three negatives, followed by bloodwork monthly until you have three monthly negatives. The American College of Gynecology recommends a wait time from negative of six months to a year, but there is some research indicating that shorter wait times may be okay if you drop quickly without other intervention. **Disclaimer**: I am not a Dr. and do not know your specific story, please talk to your Dr. if you want to try sooner than they have recommended.

Why is HCG monitoring important?
The basic answer to this is that the HCG level drops tell your Dr. whether the tissue growth could be spreading or not. What happens is as the tissue grows it continues to produce HCG (pregnancy hormone). If you get pregnant before your monitoring is over the Dr. will not know if the rise is from a new pregnancy or a cancer like condition.

Did you say cancer?
The truth is what is scary about a MP is that it can cause cancer called Choriocarcinoma. is very rare (the statistics I've seen are like 1-3%, but I haven't seen anything too reliable) but is largely cureable especially with good medical care. More common is something called gestational trohoblastic disease (GTD), which is when tissue continues to grow following D&C but remains isolated to the uterus. GTD is more common in CMP with occurring in approximately 20% of cases compared to 5% of cases in PMP. GTD and Choriocarcinoma are treated with various chemotherapy drugs including methotrexate, Act-D or EMACO depending on severity. GTD may also be treated by repeat D&C if your Dr. feels there is enough tissue leftover to warrant this. Dr.'s may also use chest x-rays to monitor whether you have spreading to your lungs. Longer wait times are typical for those who require chemo.

I hope I didn't overwhelm you with information, but if you have questions please feel free to ask. Also if you are newly diagnosed with a MP please try to take it one day at a time because the reality is 80-95% of those diagnosed will not need further treatment after an initial D&C.

Dr. Update

So yesterday was my last follow-up for my molar pregnancy (hopefully...fingers crossed on that one). I had blood drawn and provided my numbers are still negative my Dr. cleared us to start trying again on my next cycle. I will call for my results on Tuesday, but there is no reason to think that my numbers have risen given my cycles being regular still.

Funny story though was that the Dr. thought I was slacking and never got my last blood drawn. I told her that I went when the nurse told me and that I thought I was having one that day at the appointment. You have got to love the miscommunication sometimes. Thankfully, I really loved my OB during my m/c (I had only seen the nurse practitioner before then) because otherwise I don't think I would stick with them. I also want to add a disclaimer that the appointment made me think I know more of the research on molar pregnancy than she does, which is fine (with it being so rare I wouldn't expect her to know a ton) but still weird.

Over It?

I was told recently that I can't dwell on my loss. this makes me sad for several reasons.

1) I don't think I am dwelling on it. My life goes on outside the miscarriage. I've been working, crafting, reading, exercising, and working on the house. Most of these don't get a mention in conversation because they are the same old routine, but I am still living life. Honestly, it is just that the holidays make thinking about the loss worse, and it doesn't help when there are two pregnancy announcements in one day. To be clear I am happy for those who get pregnant, but it doesn't make it any less hard to hear.

2) It just goes to show how misunderstood miscarriage is, but it is still hard for somebody you trust to not understand. A person I know once said despite having living children and grandchildren that she still thinks of the ones she lost. Does it get easier, yes, but they are still in your heart.

3) There is no time limit on grief. I would never tell someone that "your mother, father, friend, etc. died over a year ago you just need to get over it already". Unfortunately 3 months after two back to back losses people feel they can say that to be because it is "just a fetus". I just want to say to the world that it isn't just a fetus. It is hopes and dreams. Dreams not only of who this child will be, but also of being a mother. So anyways, I'm sorry I am not over my loss as quickly as you want me to be, but luckily it isn't you I need to answer to.